im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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