I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
