If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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