your thong is hanging out like whoa
Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
