Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
