I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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