im six kinds of drunk right now
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
