dude...I wrote 15 jersey shore quotes on her body. she is going to do the walk of shame with snookie on her forehead.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
