My nipple is on Facebook.
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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