im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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