How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
