I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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