There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
