Afterall, it is the real San Francisco treat
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
