We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
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