i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
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