Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
