do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
