thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
