you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Randomize
