i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
