Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
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