giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
