there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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