and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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