it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
