lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
