he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Randomize
