MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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