walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Pants are for mortals
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Randomize
