Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
