my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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