Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
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