He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
