She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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