Apparently you make a good broom.
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Randomize
