If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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