I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
