He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
