just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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