she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Randomize
