I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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