Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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