ya dads aren't the best wingmen
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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