Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
