I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
