Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
Randomize
