so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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