new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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