Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Randomize
