Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
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